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You never ask how I am anymore. You’ve stopped asking about my day, you didn’t even ask about Tahoe, six flags, nothing anymore. Even when I start talking about it myself, I feel pathetic, because I feel like I’m talking to someone who doesn’t even care. So why do I even talk? I see this continual trend downwards, down into a level where I refuse to talk anymore. Why? Because there’s no point, all you ever say is “oh.” Whenever I start to talk about something, I feel like I am just babbling, like I’m talking to myself. So I’m starting to just not talk anymore, to prevent from feeling like I’m talking to a wall.
“How was six flags?”
“How was Tahoe?”
I only have the luxury of hearing those inside my mind.
It’s like you don’t care. It’s not just “Oh” that you merely say, it’s more like silence. It’s silence, because you don’t show that you care about me. It’s different from you needing me or liking me. I’m sure you do want me around, but for reasons that aren’t enough for me.
You need someone to talk to, that’s me.
You need someone to ask things, me.
You need company,
You need a friend,
You need someone who cares about you,
Me.
But, I, too, need all of those, but you’re not fulfilling them. I too want someone to talk to, someone who I can hold a conversation with, back and forth with questions that show they care, that they want to know about what’s going on in my life. I want someone too that I can go to for answers, for knowledge and benefit. I want someone who I can just be with, for security, warmth, and a sense of completion. I too would like a friend that shows he can comfort me when I’m in pain, when I’m sad, or when I just need someone to talk to. And I need someone to share with those pain, sadness, and even happiness.
You need me more than I need you. It’s a one-sided, unbalanced relationship, where we are not mutually benefiting from each other. I hate to say this, but it’s getting tiring. I’m tired of giving you everything I can offer but receiving not much in return. I know the saying that says something about being altruistic, give and not ask for anything in return. But, that’s unrealistic. Everything in life is about being in balance. Every input has an output; for every action there is a reaction. Life is reciprocal, and so are relationships.
I’m tired of talking to you. I always feel like I have to be the one who initiates talking about me. I don’t even need to ask you about your day, because you just go right out and talk about yourself. Before, I genuinely cared about you. But after I noticed that you hardly ask about me, I realized that there’s no point in actually caring. My care is just being wasted, since it’s not being given back to me. So, I stopped caring as much, and what little care left I have for you is diminishing as each day goes by.
After writing this, I still have pangs of sadness within me, but it’s currently being dulled by my renewed strength. I feel better.
sigh. don't have the mentality to blog about it.
my first midterm at berkeley! got canceled!!!
but i'm scared! i'm going to berkeley!!! ahhhh!!!!
so i got everything set up and d/led onto this lappy... but it's like, i don't noe what to do with my desktop anymore :( i feel like i'm betraying it... cause i don't think i'll use it much nemore... *sniff* ya.. i get attached to materialistic things reeeally easily... *sigh* ...awww... it's just sitting there.... :/
